love romance relationships I Never Expected To Fall Into An Internet Relationship

Dear Mook,
   I have been reading Mook's for a couple months now, and never thought in a million years I would be writing my own story. But Paula's story on 6/21 kinda inspired me. I too felt the "What am I doing?" "Why am I doing this?" and "Am I the only one doing this?" thing.

   I met Brian in October 1999. We started out playing around in a chat room. I had never tried the cybersex thing and was curious. So I tried it with him. It was just innocent fun and I didn't think too much about it afterwards. A few nights later, we found each other chatting again in the same chat room. But this time the chat was much different. We chatted mainly about each other and our lives and who we are. Brian seemed very nice and I enjoyed that evening chatting with him. This went on for a couple weeks (just friendly chatting...no cybersex).

   With our busy schedules we lost touch for a few months. Then in January I was online and he popped in. We once again chatted for a while and before long we found ourselves emailing cards and fun stuff to one another. Before I realized it, we became chat friends. Brian is now like the only person I ever chat with and if he is not there, I leave. We email each other regularly and set dates of when we know we will be online.

   This all may seem harmless, but we are also both happily married. I love my husband Ron with all my heart, I do. We are working on having our first child. Ron and I have been together for 8 years and have been married for only 2 years. That is why I don't understand what my attraction to Brian is. I have never seen him and have only talked to him via the internet.

   Recently we cybered in voice and afterward I began feeling very guilty. Now Brian wants to meet me in person and soon. I would almost love to just fly out and meet him, and have thought about it a lot. But I am also afraid. I do trust Brian, which I know seems odd and I probably shouldn't. I am not sure if I would go out to meet him alone, but who in the world could I trust enough to go with me? I am not sure if I am ready to take that step. If I got caught, I am risking my whole life for this. I could lose my husband, some friends, and maybe even some family.

   I never expected to fall into an internet relationship. I laughed at friends of mine who have done the same thing, telling them they were crazy. But this happened so suddenly, I didn't even realize it was happening until I found myself waiting and wanting Brian to be online, so I could talk to him again. I really like Brian, I enjoy talking to him and taking that out of my daily routine would be something I would miss. I almost feel like I have some sorta love for this man. Then I think, that is crazy, I have never even seen him. But we know each other so well, and I feel so comfortable talking to him.

   I do not want to let go of my marriage, I am very happy. My husband is good to me and he loves me. I just want to experience Brian, yes I mean sexually. I haven't been with another man for 8 years, and I have never cheated. I have urges to try new things. My husband is a good lover, but it is getting routine in a way. And with us trying to have a child and finding it harder than we expected to do so, it is really getting routine.

   I don't know what to do. I hate playing games like this behind my husband's back, but I also really enjoy Brian's company and the feelings he expresses to me. It also makes it easier for me that he too is married. But he is much more eager to go further at this point them I am.

   Only time will tell as to what will happen. I will write back if I ever make a decision. I would also love any advice as to why I have these feelings, what I should do, or what other people would do in this situation. Thank you for listening, Anita.